灯火阑珊处

 

滑了两天雪，认识了六七个人，学会了双升。两天时间除了滑雪就在睡觉打牌。八个人相处的很融洽，完全看不出来其中好多都有了几岁的孩子。

第一天滑双板，简直是悲剧。第二天滑单板反而找到了感觉。其实很好玩，除了鼻子眼睛最后被冻得鼻子不是鼻子眼睛不是眼睛之外。我呼出的气息在带着的围脖上结了冰，头发也都被冻成了一块一块。
学的时候不停的想失衡和失控的问题。
失衡，大多数我们都在失衡。或者说，大多数时候我们都在努力找那个平衡的点。这个寻找的过程比在单板滑雪板上寻找那个急停站立的平衡点更加困难。而更可怕的是，大多数时候，我们根本就没有意识到我们的失衡。
失控，失控的时候所有人都恐慌。不同的是我们年龄越大，徒劳的控制欲越强，就越害怕这种失控。但是当你真正的失控了，像我在根本就还不会滑的状况下去滑中级道，一开始控制不住速度冲过了同伴没法停下来，最后栽到了雪堆中后，一个人面对茫茫雪原和穿也穿不上脱也脱不下来的滑雪板的无助；或者是自己终于从雪堆中挣扎着站了起来，在还没站稳的情况下冲下距离八百多米海拔两三百米的跑道，速度越来越快却不会减速也不会停的恐慌。这都是失控。但是当你真正失控了，你就明白，之前的担心都是白操心。真正失控了，就做好心理准备总得面对自己闯下的烂摊子，或者下次可以学着方法不要这么疯狂的失控，或者，最重要的，保持着下次仍然敢于尝试的勇气。比如两个半天时间，我用双板和单板各试了几次中级道。最后一次驾驶着单板从上面冲上来，按照同伴们“昂首挺胸、重心后移”的指示以令狐大侠所谓的“平沙落雁式”降落后，心中却是很喜悦的。因为不管上面的朔风多么猛烈、冲进雪堆拦网里多么的狼狈、无数次的摔倒整个骨架都有散架的趋势，我仍然保持着一次又一次上去的勇气。或者早就跟人们说过，这不是勇气，reckless是更好的形容。
仰面躺在雪地上的时候，看见旁边的人们都一骑绝尘的呼啸而过，原先脱了板走下去的念头消失了。跟自己说就算滚，也得跟滑雪板一起滚下去。同伴在不远处招呼我过去听他们讲解技术要领，我看着他们，觉得从来没有这么深切的领会什么叫咫尺天涯。他们事后说叫你怎么都不过去啊！天知道我多么想过去啊，可是我既不会控制方向，也不会控制速度，除非是爬过去，要不然就只能这样两两相望。学习的时候不停的想到杨子荣带领小分队学习滑雪去奇袭敌人，想到他们的环境恶劣，革命先烈的精神真是激励了我，或者说，人和自然的辩证关系激励了我。大自然总会奖励敢于探索她的人的，但是这必须付出代价。以前的人们，经常性的处在失控的状态，所以他们也毫无顾虑，几条树枝绑在一起就能成为滑雪板，可是他们仍然在林海雪原驰骋呼啸，我跟他们构造基本相同，装备又更加先进，怎么能因为摔了几次四仰八叉就轻言放弃呢。于是我一次一次的从地上爬起来，再一次一次的摔下去。想到几个月前学潜水时的恐慌，心中充满着上天入地的豪情。

 

前两天学习的时候提到，你觉得人生最痛苦的事情是什么？有人说是对未来的未知，还有人说是人世间不可避免的蚀骨孤独。其实我觉得，这说的是一种东西。

又提到，要控制好自己，什么东西都不能入迷。他们相信除了神之外，什么都不应该成为你的追求和信仰。物质的刺激、欲望的满足当然不应该，我很同意。那么美呢？我问，美能够成为信仰吗？我体会到的神性，恰恰是在大自然的美面前；和人间无数艺术家创造反应的美。但是他们说美也不行。

“人世间的美都是转瞬即逝的。你要相信，天堂的美是永恒的圣美。永恒的美，永远的高峰体验，那就是天堂。”

真的吗？真的有那种永恒的圣美吗？

 

即使只为了这几句话，一天的时间一下午的时间都是值得的。

 

我们是它的创造者，它是因为爱才创造了我们。它爱我们。它的爱无处不在。
——如果它的爱无处不在，为什么我感觉不到？
——“我是爱你们所有人的，但是你要爱我，你才能感觉得到我对你的爱；如果你不爱我，我的爱便无从给你。”

世间的万物都是它的创造物，所有的东西、理念、精神
它创造了我们，所以我们生来就是高贵的。
不同的只在于每个人身上同时具有神性和兽性。
此处的神性，大家探讨了一下，跟佛家的“佛性”是不是一回事？为什么佛说佛在每个人的心中呢？因为每个人身上都有佛性，我们要做的，是发现自己身上的佛性。所以放下屠刀才能立地成佛。

我一直在想，无论我们是谁创造的，无论是谁以怎样的目的创造了我们，为什么创造我们的同时也要创造恶？也要给人加上欲望，让人无休无止的自我折磨？给了我们恶的同时，又要让我们具有无论是神性还是佛性，让自己的欲望和神的律法、我们所谓的美德一直在争斗，让我们一直痛苦？
单从神学解释，这样说来，如果用基督教的原罪解释，我还比较能够理解。如果人生来就有罪，我们在世是在赎罪，那么这种挣扎就能够说通。
可是老师不赞同，“你仔细的去看圣经，”她说：“所谓的原罪，上帝说过，在基督被钉上十字架的那一刻，就被赎清了。基督到世间来，就是帮你们赎罪的。”基督教自己已经解释清楚了。人生而并没有原罪。
“那么我们这样来解释。”讨论在继续：“我们来做个比喻——”
——小心，比喻都是危险的。
——没错，但是我们需要先解释清楚。这样来比喻：这就像，我们的创造者在一座山的中央给我们埋了一个巨大的宝藏，但是要挖到那个宝藏，我们需要用双手挖掉所有的石头。当你发现宝藏之前，你不知道埋在那儿的到底是什么东西；你也可能一直对于这种挖掘心存疑虑。但是当你坚持下去，你会得到什么，我们都不知道。当你坚持美德、与恶斗争的时候。当你顺从神的律法和意志的时候，你的坚持有时候看起来很无谓：我诚实不说谎、不盗窃、我正直持身，我得到的结果可能是清贫、可能是不理解。但是我坚持了，到那一天，到有一天，我能得到什么，我并不知道。神在那儿给我准备了什么，我也不知道。

这个比喻很好。我们自身神性与兽性的挣扎，不是我得到的惩罚，而是为了达到神给我准备的宝藏。这个比喻很好，让我对自身的存在更加认同。

MJ被害死后，我一度陷入极其深的质疑。这种质疑让我很难过。当我说着：this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you的时候，我很恐惧，如果这个世界容不下这么美丽的人，在这个世界生存，如临深渊、如堕虎狼之境，那么我存在于这个世界的意义究竟是什么？但是现在我可以这样想，这样美丽的人，如MJ，如倡导“非抵抗不合作”的甘地，如特蕾莎修女（这个名单有没有奥巴马暂时存疑.......），他们如此、如此坚定的身体力行的实践神的律法，一定是他们比我们都幸运，他们在一个偶然的瞬间，得以一窥神为我们准备的宝藏的光芒。那种光芒让他们一辈子都无怨无悔的付出，不管人们怎么诽谤、怎么迫害、怎么忘恩负义。一定是那宝藏的美丽超出任何的想象，他们才能这样的坚定。

 

那么我们再回到为什么一定要设置那些石块的问题。他们给了我这样的回答：
你有没有听过？任何不经过痛苦的喜悦都是短暂的。任何不经过努力的成功都是轻浮的。任何不经过跋涉就能到达的终点都不会带来真正到达终点的幸福。

很好，我接受这样的解释。

巴哈伊什么是天堂？什么是地狱？
天堂就是死亡。地狱在你自身。
——因为我们全都是它的创造物，因为我们生来高贵，因为我们生来平等，所以我们所有人都会进天堂。区别在于，当我们进了天堂后，我们就是全知的，我们灵魂中的神性会全部复苏。我们就会明白我们在死前做的所有事情。那时候，一辈子都在发展美德的人们，会心安理得、会心满意足；犯下罪行的人们，即使在人世间物质生活丰富，赤条条来赤条条去后，在全知的天堂回望自己人世间的言行，会追悔莫及，会自责不已——他们的忏悔就是他们的地狱。地狱不用谁来给他，神性复苏后，他的痛哭流涕就是自己给自己的地狱，最好的惩罚。

——但是我们眼中，没有罪人。他没有罪，他只是不知道。

 

说得很好。地狱都是自己给自己的。

然后我们讨论了一下，萨特所谓的“他人即地狱”。有人澄清，萨特自己后来辩解过，说自己这么说的意思是：“他人给我造成的痛苦造成了我的地狱，归根结底，要是我不因他人对我的伤害和误解而痛苦，那么我就不会如同身处炼狱。”可是这个辩解不会被收入哲学史，所以他出名的永远只是前一句话。然后我在内心小小的同情了一下萨特，谁要你这么聪明，说出“他人即地狱”的话，这话我就说不出来，所以我也不会被别人指责反人类，哈哈。

 

然后我们讨论了谎言。说谎，是不是任何情况都不应该？
是的——除非医生为了病人的治疗。那是唯一一个例外。
诚实是一切美好品质的根基。不能说谎。
太难了。
不过不难的话，就不用你努力了。
存不存在“善意的谎言”？
不存在。所谓的善意的谎言，是在为自己的或者懒惰或者逃避责任找借口。任何情况下，都不应该说谎。

好吧，下次我迟到，我会直接说，没有堵车、没有突发情况，我在家里睡过了头。请大家理解我。我不是不尊重你，我只是习惯一时改不过来，我又不想说谎。

要用神学的标准要求自己，不要用心理学或者哲学来开脱自己。

 

永远不要以生存为借口去做错事。生存并不是一个人的最大权利。
否则你会以生存为理由去做一切违反道德的事，比如为了自己能活下去而吃掉别人。（好吧，这个例子比较极端。）
至于什么是一个人的最大权利？不知道，大家要继续探讨。

 

你要像爱家人一样去爱所有的人。
觉得耳熟吗？老吾老，以及人之老；幼吾幼，以及人之幼。历代的圣人先知都在不同的时代用不同的语言教诲同一件事情，那么这必然是有道理的。他们不可能串通，他们也没必要骗我们，不是么？

 

可是，我爱我的家人、我爱我的爱人，都不可能做到那样全身心的去爱他们。
比如，我问在座已经有伴侣的人：如果有一天，你的老公/老婆有了婚外情，你会伤心痛苦，那么，你是因为自己受到了欺骗和背叛而伤心呢？还是因为你的伴侣有了不道德行为，你为他/她灵魂的堕落而为他/她伤心？
这个问题不好回答。而我相信大部分人都是为了自己而伤心。
爱他，就要爱他的全部。包括他的灵魂。一言以蔽之，太难了。
我对于我的爱人，都尚且不能爱他的全部，更何况其他人？
有人侵略我的国，我的家，我除了为自己伤心，还应该为他的堕落而伤心？
的确很难。可是有人做到吗？
有的。

 

老师说，为什么要反省？因为当你受到伤害的时候，不要把自己放在受害者的位置。受害者的位置必然有受害者的心态，你必然会要求很多东西。比如，一段婚姻中有人出轨，那么你不应该想到怎么样弥补自己，或者怎么样伤害对方，那只能造成更多伤害。你应该做的是，是反省。我们的婚姻，究竟出了什么问题，我哪里不对，对方哪里不对，才会造成这样的欺骗。
然后大家引申讨论。很多时候，为什么总会说“男人来自火星，女人来自金星”，“男人和女人说的不是同一种语言”？一言概括，我们总是矛盾、总是吵架，并不是因为你不爱我，而是你不能以我需要的方式来爱我。

 

想起来再继续记。

 

 

ps 请爱我的人也爱我的灵魂，对我一直在奋力独自找答案的灵魂有些同情心。请相信我的智慧和判断。

 

 

pps 今天老师的朋友带来了一岁半的混血小女儿。小姑娘漂亮得令人惊叹：蓝得近乎透明的大眼睛，花瓣般的嘴唇卷卷的头发。然后大家就此又讨论了一下英国某科学家的研究成果，说无论是什么动物的baby，为什么都那么可爱呢？

因为他们为了生存。不可爱的话，谁会那么爱他们，心甘情愿的被他们奴役呢？就像漂亮小姑娘蓬头垢面的妈妈......

 

漂亮的小姑娘很喜欢我。在那儿学习的一大群人里面，她摇摇摆摆的走过来把我的手机从茶几拿过来递给我。我惊喜的问：你怎么知道这是我的手机？太聪明了！女孩儿的妈妈说这纯属意外......我心里还在不以为然觉得她不应该低估孩子的智商。自从我被杜若蘅的知识面惊异到了之后就一直对孩子们很敬畏。但是自那之后小姑娘开始把茶几上所有的手机都拿过来交给我，手机拿完了就开始拿她能拿得动的所有东西。我喂了她一个葡萄干，她就一定要把沾满了她的鼻涕和眼泪和口水的柚子送到我的嘴里......

好吧，我实践神的律法，精神比物质重要，虽然清洁也是美德，但是孩子不懂、孩子不懂......

然后我坚决的给小天使把鼻涕和口水都擦干净了，算是造福后人吧......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

一向敬畏于信仰的力量，这就是为什么愿意去了解信仰。一向相信，苦难寄托于信仰之上，比自己一身承受幸运得多。我总是说，我有如此之多的问题，却不知道从何问起。智者、先知的话，总是不成系统，自己跌跌撞撞的去给自己注解。

 

物质发展的太快，物质太过于丰富，屈从于物质的欲望太容易。每次经过chanel，每次看到LV的订制华服，欣赏是免不了的，但也总是会想，要是拥有chanel的套装LV的手袋就能让我觉得幸福，那么事实上我会比现在幸运得多。

 

“那都是上帝给的”。每次有人问MJ，你到底怎么写歌的？他都会这么回答。你的灵感从哪里来？他摊手，from above......同理可得，贝多芬、米开朗基罗......前天在家听贝多芬的第九交响曲，听得泪水涟涟。然后就想，他如果是在全部耳聋之后才写出来这样的东西，他一定是受到了它的启示。

 

如果我相信那个all mighty的力量的存在，我全身心的臣服于它、敬畏它，我是否就不用像现在这样时时刻刻的提示自己保持卑微的心态，in touch with the divinity，我是否也会得到它的启示，在它的羽翼下得到真正的宁静？

 

我庆幸有这样的一个下午，跟一群陌生人一起，探讨所有对熟人不会提出的问题。上帝是否存在？如果我们是它的创造物，它说它爱我们，世间为何还会有罪恶？何为美德？谁规定的美德？为什么，我一定要服从美德？我一直的发展自己的美德，我能得到什么？what's the point？ 然后我收获了这个比喻：我们现在的存在，正如母腹中的婴儿，婴儿在母腹中很舒服，不明白，自己为什么要长眼睛，为什么要长手脚。但是等他出生的那一刻，他才明白，母腹中发育成长的东西，都是为了到这个世界有用。发育不健全，他在这个世界就有残疾。如果我们现在是在母腹中的婴儿，如果我们相信灵魂不灭，那么等我们在另一个世界重生的时候，我们将会明白，我们在这个世界隐忍、宽容、善良、博爱、正义......都是为了重生而准备。所以，我们一定要发展我们的美德。

 

这个比喻让我很释然。

 

提问：如果世间一切皆为above的那个存在所创造，那么它为什么也创造恶？

回答：世间没有恶，只有善的缺乏。（老师回答的时候是嗔怪的语气：柏拉图早就回答了，你还问！......天哪，我得赶紧回去看书去！）

从柏拉图又说到尼采。尼采说上帝死了，大家给出新的注解，上帝之死，说的是偶像崇拜需要灭亡。偶像崇拜是个很要不得的东西，掌握不好火候，过火了，就疯狂了。所以尼采事实上很理智的——

——可是尼采最后疯了！

——但我一向相信，疯人院内外的辩证关系。你怎么知道疯的不是你呢？你怎么知道疯的不是大多数人呢？于是少数清醒的人就被关起来了。

 

提问：为什么我心存善念，却总是被人伤害？

提问：为什么古往今来的显示者，不论是耶稣、默罕默德、佛陀，从来没有女人？

提问：婚姻究竟应该是怎样的存在，这样一个亘古流传的形式，究竟是需要？还是规定？这是一个对自己的承诺、对对方的承诺，还是对神的承诺？

.........

 

最后，大家说，我们一起来为你的外公祈祷。

我祈祷，我也惶恐。我生怕我的祈祷了违背自然和规律，我是如此害怕打扰别人，我也如此害怕对它提出无理要求。

但是他们说，祈祷，不是说要违背规律。你可以说，如果时间已到，那么请让他少受痛苦；如果还有转机，那么请让他快快痊愈。我祈求，如果这是好事，请让它实现。

 

我祈求。

 

“某日，我们可以办几个论坛。佛家居士、巴哈伊及我们所有人。大家可以一起辩论，一起提问。”

灵性的养料，我很期待。

 

 

前两天简上了msn。

 

一直潜水的我欣喜若狂，赶忙打招呼，生怕一晃她又不见了。

 

一激动我打字就会很快，一发就是几条，屏幕瞬间充斥属于我这边的蓝色字体。末了，我才稍微平复一下，问她，你还记得我是谁么？你还记得我么？

 

是的，我记得你。她说。

 

然后我就又很激动，一发又是一整屏。大段大段的蓝色字体中，夹杂着她小小的黑色的回复。很简单的回复：谢谢你的好意。谢谢你的祝福。我现在状况很不好。我现在是个fattie，我很ugly。我不再读书了、不再看电影了、不再听歌了，那些东西会让我很累，我会一直想睡觉。对不起，我不太记得了......

 

翻看以前的记录，03年，都是她的大段文字中间，夹杂着我挣扎着跟上她思路的简短回复。世易时移，一个大大的轮回。我觉得恍惚。

 

然后突然我问她，在你的记忆中我是怎样的呢？

 

对不起，我没法去思考这个。我记得你，可是其他的我不知道了。

 

我心中立刻凉了一截。我知道，我要耐心，我得慢慢的等她回来。但是看着满篇她简单的几个单词，我害怕有什么东西永远回不来了。

 

 

 

 

前两天在中网的时候，有天曾梦见自己梳头，一梳就掉下来一把头发，一梳又是一把。梦里面我拿着木梳，不停的梳着，头发就不停的掉着；今天下午迷迷糊糊睡着了，做梦梦见自己掉牙齿。手在那儿捧着，哈哈一笑就能掉下两三颗。于是笑完了都不敢合上嘴，一合上嘴就觉得满口腔的牙齿都在蠢蠢欲动，争先恐后的往下漏。这感觉太真实了，醒了之后第一件事就是揽镜自照，确定牙齿都还稳稳的在嘴里，没有落英缤纷的意思。

 

这是啥意思呢？

 

 

 

　　People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
　　Forgive them anyway.
　　
　　If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
　　Be kind anyway.
　　

　　If you are successful, you will win some false friends
　　And some true enemies;
　　Succeed anyway.
　　
　　If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
　　Be honest and frank anyway.
　　

　　What you spend years building,
　　Someone could destroy overnight;
　　Build anyway.
　　
　　If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
　　Be happy anyway.
　　 
　　The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
　　Be good anyway.
　　 
　　Give the world the best you have,
　　And it may never be enough;
　　Give the world the best you have anyway.
　　
　　You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
　　It is never between you and them anyway.
　　
　　ill try very hard anyway

 

 

His whole life is about to practise what's said above

"you taught me love by sharing your life" for that I can never thank him enough

R.I.P.

I love you

 

 

 

我家在27层楼，所以我常常身处半空中。

 

一个人在家里，不读书看片子吧，就只能睡觉；读书看片子呢，常常越读越看就飘得越高。自己都不知道自己到哪里了。常常一天过去了，饿得头晕眼花，才想起来没吃东西。

 

本来呢，dolly的使命是pin me down to earth，学着负点儿责任。我想，有个小动物，活生生的动物，能让我想起我也是个动物，也要正常吃饭睡觉的。可是dolly来了以后没几天，我就发现我们两并不是这房子里唯一的活物，我一下子多了很多动物的陪伴——蟑螂小强。他们无处不在，随便打开只抽屉他们就成喷涌状往外扩散，晚上用微波炉热菜，打开炉门他们居然比菜还先出来。我对他们的生命力很是敬畏，每次喝水之前都用热水把水杯再烫一次，喝在嘴里的水还是觉得有异味，或者是他们光顾过，或者杀虫剂还在水杯里有残余，总有什么不对的。

 

然后dolly还没学会上厕所，而且她软硬不吃，根本不理会我苦口婆心嗓子都哑了。于是现在我只要看到地上一滩水就怒从心底起恶向胆边生，再这样下去我怕我要成虐待狂。昨晚上带她出去散步遇见一老爷爷带着两只可卡，随便聊了一下，老爷爷指着其中一只说为了训练她上厕所，他花了整整一年。

 

我开始觉得绝望了...........

 

佳林走后的一个小时内，他们清理掉了阳台上满布的碎纸片和被咬得乱七八糟的这个那个，跪在地上用抹布将地板擦了两遍。

 

于是Dolly迷失了。

 

只好老老实实的呆在自己的竹筐里。

 

但是一旦不在阳台上，她仍旧彪悍。她今天早上刚刚毁了我最喜欢的睡衣。

 

于是卷纸和长出许多的牛仔裤被我放在离阳台最近的地方，必然的。要斗争必须要有准备。

 

Dolly是Dolores的昵称，也是Lolita的另一个叫法。She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita.  虽然我们的Dolly跟纳博科夫的Lo没有任何相似之处，我们还是决定叫她Dolly

 

我飘在空中一个月了，下不来，地铁里听歌还能听得掉眼泪。MJ，he haunts me still，after all these time，in and out of dreams......

 

所以，其实，我很担心Dolly，跟我住在一起，我怕她总有一天会得忧郁症。

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MJ去世三天后的一个夜里，看完比赛睡觉时已经是凌晨三点了，习惯性的戴上耳机边听边睡，ipod全都是MJ的音乐，静谧的夜里，猝不及防的，MJ十来岁时候的I’ll be there响起，天籁般的童声瞬间激荡，更加猝不及防的，我发现自己终于泪流满面。
一直不知道，MJ的死会让我如此不能释怀。也许在我自己都没有意识到的时候，他就一直是那样的一个存在，在心里的某个角落，一个自己从来想到会失去的存在，一个自己从来没有想过要去珍惜的存在。等到一下子失却的时候，才突然惊慌失措。每个人都是孤独的，我一直相信，有时候，知道所有人都孤独、有人比你更孤独的时候，这份孤独才能缓解。就像MJ，他是时代的孤独者。
很多次去寺庙，不管是出差还是旅游，每次对着高高在上的拯救者们参拜的时候，我都会默念我的几个愿望，这么多年没有改变过的愿望：国泰民安、亲人朋友健康快乐。然后在起身的一瞬间，我会突然意识到，看似无私的愿望事实上还是自私的，国不泰民不安，我会伤心；家人朋友不健康不快乐，我也会伤心，我希望他们好，是因为我不想自己伤心。这是多么自私的事情。但是这种念头总是一闪而过，我继续我的生活。
是MJ的死让我骤然意识到这样是多么的自私。他死的消息传来，我不停的想，他要是没死就好了，他要是没死，我说不定哪天还能亲眼看看他；他要是没死，我还能看看伦敦演唱会的直播，见证一下活着的传奇。然后我看着他死前不久的视频，仍然那样怪异的面容，躲在黑色的墨镜黑色的车窗后面，戴着面纱和手套，细细的温柔的声音中透出极度的疲倦，我突然冲动的就想，他还是死了的好，他还是死了吧，即使他的死生生的挖去亿万颗心中最柔软的一块，对于他来说，还是死了的好。还是那句写梵高的歌词：This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you……

 

这两天还是一直看在MJ生前的所有东西，歌、舞、奥普拉的访谈、还有那个living with MJ，虽然是做来讽刺他的，都无可避免的觉得他很pure，44岁了，他说自己还是peter pan，内心是Peter pan。
他喜欢把手放到自己的胸前，说from heart，然后我真的相信，他说的一切，都是从心底而发的。
那么多的流言蜚语，我看到他在奥普拉的访谈中说，天哪，我怎么会说那样的话，我甚至从来都没有过那样的想法，谎言一旦开始，人们就都开始相信它——但是我愿意原谅他们，我愿意原谅所有的媒体和相信谎言的人们。我愿意。
可是他愿意去原谅伤害他的人们，只是让这个疯狂的世界愈加的肆无忌惮。
种族的背叛，喜欢孩子却被控告娈童性侵犯，所有他心中美好的东西都被外界冠以最无耻的谎言践踏，他该有多痛苦。他说，我是一个instrument，是上帝选择我做了一个传播者，来告诉世人关于音乐的美好、关于爱的真谛。他的态度十分humble。5岁开始登台，从此以后没有童年、没有伙伴、过于严厉的父亲，他在舞台上光芒四射，下来了后茫然无措。说他注定为舞台而生，但是作为一个人，他的一生就像一场大大的真人秀，没有隐私、没有所有作为人的很多幸福，也许，他真的是被选中的。上帝赋予他这样的才华，他就注定要用一生为上帝传道。
访谈中，用的最多的词是sad，和cry，他说，I am so sad, I never looked at in the mirror, I hate to look at myself, I cried and cried backstage.
青春期，父亲告诉他他很丑，他一看到父亲、一听到父亲的声音就浑身颤抖。经常一个人躲起来痛哭。这该是怎样的经历。那时候他只是一个小男孩，却在恐惧和无助和谎言和外界巨大关注的迷失中度过童年和青春期。这样的成长经历，他长大没变成心理变态就已经很让人庆幸了，他却成了一个对所有人、所有事都怀着爱的人，一个人资助39个慈善团体，开放自己的乐园给全世界残疾和绝症的孩子，为了neverland的维护，他一年要花几千万，可是他说看到孩子的笑脸，一切就都值得了。他真的让我相信，人性本善这回事。

 

以前写过，为什么贝多芬威临他的时代，就是因为他在自身的巨大不幸中，吟唱着的还是对欢乐的赞歌。MJ呢，despite所有的中伤、所有的污蔑、背叛，他保持着一颗纯净的童心。这个世界不管怎样伤害他，他仍然无私的去回报。
他说起小时候害怕父亲到什么程度，他说，仅仅只用看到他出现，我就能害怕得呕吐。但是我原谅他了，我早就原谅他了。我仍然爱他。
小时候缺乏爱，他说我多希望能叫他爸爸啊，但是他从来不让我们叫他爸爸，他说我是Joseph，我不是爸爸。所以我现在从来不让我的孩子叫我Michael，他们一定得叫我爸爸。
他说我每天都会看着我的孩子们的眼睛，说记住，我爱你们。
他说他的孤独，他说有次在旅馆，成千上万的歌迷在外面狂呼我的名字，说他们爱我。可是我一个人在房间里痛哭，我的孤独痛彻心骨。
所以有时候，深夜，我会一个人去neverland，一个人去坐旋转木马，看着四周绚烂的色彩转成一道道光圈将我围在中间。我一个人坐在那里发呆。

 

那该是怎样的情景？梵高的孤独，在于世间没有人读得懂他，他的价值不被承认；MJ的孤独，是在万千以为自己读懂了他的人中间，意识到自己从来就没有被理解，惊慌失措。这两种孤独，哪种更加宿命？

 

93年的案件过去，有人问他，经过这次，你会不会收敛一些？不会再邀请孩子去neverland了？他很惊奇：为什么？我们在一起就是玩而已，我的neverland永远对他们开放。
直到05年，他的乐园终于在谣言和污蔑和中伤中关闭。
他孜孜不倦，写和平、写环保、写非洲的悲惨、写种族的不公、写孩子——写他最珍爱的用一生去保护的全世界的孩子，他对这个世界说in my heart, you are all my brothers
直到这个世界为了能找到一星半点攻击他的谎言而兴奋不已摩拳擦掌。他的皮肤从90年代开始就不能接触阳光，他自己最终也躲到了整形和浓妆后面。然后那些人更兴奋了，他们胜利的宣告：他是wecko jacko，他面目可憎，他背叛种族，他是恋童癖，他是变态，他是疯子，他是罪犯。
可是他临死前写的歌，还是关于全球气候变暖的《绿色圣诗》
他有最纯净的眼神，他有最无邪的笑容，他让孩子们一遍一遍的把他推下水，他提着小篮子蹦蹦跳跳，他冲上蹦蹦床，跳啊跳啊跳啊，他44岁的时候说，他最迷恋的事情不是得奖、不是have sex，是打水仗。他说他有一棵giving tree，他会常常爬到树冠里面，安静的看下面，好多歌都是在这棵树上写的，Heal the World, Black and White, Childhood, You Are Not Alone，他说在树上，他觉得安全。
那个剪了一部记录片来中伤他的记者Martin，有一次问他：有时候，你是不是对人性已经绝望了？他沉默了很久，说是的。

 

三月的时候，他对着镜头比出V字，说七月再见，我很爱你们！
七月的约定，成了永远不能痊愈的伤疤。

 

所有的报刊、电视、杂志，瞬间充斥他的画面，那一个茕茕孑立的的身影，万人中央，他眼中的那一抹清澈，却直达天堂。每次路过一个报摊，看见他孤寂的身影，我的心就战栗一下。但是我现在为他庆幸。他曾经无数次的尝试使自己飞起来的办法，现在他终于飞回去了，回到真正的永无乡，真正属于他的地方。对他的怀念是他给我们的惩罚。每次一个人的中秋，我还会听You are not alone，就像以前每茨一个人的中秋一样。但是我想我会安慰得多了，因为那是一个天使在告诉我，我们都不孤独，MJ在天堂唱着，you are not alone

 

 

很难受、很难受......

 

不管他遭受过多少非议，能写出这样的音乐，这样直达灵魂的音乐，这样的离去可能真的是解脱。

 

他一直觉得自己孤独，外面的人群狂呼着他的名字，但他只是stranger in moscow；他说，我的童年遗失了，你看见了我的童年么？不管我有多么的eccentric，before you judge me, try hard to love me；他一直在问，你会在那儿么？你会一直为我在那儿么？在我犯错的时候纠正我，在我迷失的时候指引我，在我伤痛的时候抱紧我？他说我相信，在你的心中，会一直有一个被称为爱的角落，所以让我们一起来heal the world

 

 

从小学开始，穿着旱冰鞋溜圈的时候开始，就开始张着嘴又敬畏又兴奋地看他在月圆之夜变成狼人，这种thriller一直持续到现在。也许，这又是他跟世界开的一个玩笑？他没死，只是以后，再也不会有人打扰他了。

 

 

 

 

 

2009-6-27
昨天早上，睡在床上，不停地被手机里祝我“生日快乐”的奇怪短信吵醒。然后终于打开手机报看了一下。习惯的浏览首页的新闻，突然几个字蹦出来，我的睡意一下子全没了，那几个字写的是：流行天王迈克尔杰克逊今晨心脏停搏逝世。
于是今天一天都神思恍惚。
一起床就开电脑，上天涯，上百度，疯狂的把他的歌都下了下来。
于是今天一天都在听他的声音，边听边想，边想哭。
这个时代的icon真的越来越少。所以我们越来越孤独。
以前有时候看看我那十几G歌 的文件夹，想着，怎么能没有Michael的歌呢，还想，应该找时间把专辑都下下来。终于，今天我兑现了。
MJ的声音和舞步，伴我成长，一点儿都不夸张。
小学的时候，记得很清楚。无畏的去学旱冰。那时候溜冰场的灯光总是暗暗地，空气中涌动着不安的气氛，混合着汗味和奇怪的脚臭。但是我从来不介意，因为在学会溜冰后我就喜欢上了这种能让自己风驰电掣，在那么一瞬间感觉脱离地球引力的运动，即使当时只有十来岁，即使当时什么都还不明白，但是我喜欢在灯光暗下来之后，让自己穿行在无数的人影中，什么都还看不清的时候把所有的人都甩在后面。现在想来，溜冰于我是青春期最好的宣泄。
溜冰场总是会放一些很时兴的曲子，溜冰场是我第一次认识MJ的地方。
每次去溜冰，我总是会埋着头一圈一圈不停地滑，直到自己筋疲力尽，或者被某个初学者撞到。是MJ让我第一次慢下来、停下来。
记得很清楚，那是他的THRILLER。那时候洪山体育馆的溜冰场有个很大的投影屏幕，有时候是港台的一些流行乐，我从来都埋着头，一眼都不瞅，继续我自己的发泄。然后，那一天，thriller的前奏响起，节奏感极强的音乐和极具冲击感的画面让青春期的我停下来，倚在旁边，带着敬畏和骚动看荧幕上的他在月圆之夜变成狼人。那时候我还不知道这是谁，这是什么，我只是清楚的记得我倚在旁边的栏杆上，大张着嘴看完了也许是我生平第一次意义上的恐怖片。
可是这个记忆一点儿都不恐怖，留下的只有那种小小的尖锐的躁动和不安，到现在想起来还是一阵战栗。
然后是初中，激情燃烧的岁月，一群荷尔蒙正在肆无忌惮分泌的小孩被集聚到一起，关到了山水魂魄的东湖畔磨山旁。寄宿学校的花样总是很多，每学期都有军训，每学期都有各式各样的活动，每学期都有篮球比赛长跑比赛，每学期都有各种各样的表演。所有的这些，我一项也没落下过。
进校的时候11岁，毕业的时候14岁，纳博科夫笔下洛丽塔的年纪，混合着狂乱和迷茫的年纪。突然的就被扔到一个完全陌生的环境与一群完全陌生的人朝夕相处，第一次发现自己乱糟糟的头发是多么的可笑，第一次有了自我意识，第一次觉出内心深处的insecure，一下子迷失了。
幸好有这样一群人跟我一起迷失，一起以自己的方式四处寻找，存在的意义，青春的归属，于是一次次的活动变成了我们的信仰。
每年都有新年晚会，全校聚在一起，每个班都出两个节目。第一年，男生们合唱Heal the World，我们，我们有四个女生，和另外一个男孩，一起跳舞。
那时候的“酷”是需要定义的，酷的小孩，要有不羁的态度，绝对不能是书呆子，最好能有一两项绝活，最好能唱或者能跳。舞跳得好的男生，一般都很酷。所以我一直记得我初中那个会跳霹雳舞的田径教练，也总是记得我喜欢跟他怄气，动不动就不去田径队训练，他有时候只好单独给我加课，有时候就干脆罚我不许再去田径队，即使我的三项全能和400米跨栏很有希望在区运会拿奖。但是那时候，大家都会觉得这样很酷。
跟我们一起跳舞的男生，总是穿得花花绿绿，舞跳得很好。尤其是学MJ，很绝。我们的节目，所有的舞蹈动作都是他编的，后来我才知道，所有的舞蹈动作，都是他从MJ的MV里扒下来的。他安排自己在中间跳，我们四个人围在他的旁边，配合他的情绪。他的舞步，那时候很是让人惊艳，所以我们全都心甘情愿的作陪衬。可是这个男生并不酷，因为有一次一个女孩的准男友实在看不下去自己的女孩老是围在他身边莺歌燕舞，纠结了自己的一帮兄弟想找他“聊聊”，刚刚把他带到草丛，他竟然吓得大哭起来。想来这次的阴影影响是深远的，因为从此以后他拒绝再继续排练，最后我只好以班长的身份去找另外几个男生，让他们向他保证再也不找他麻烦，又对他连哄带吓的说要是晚会跳不好他的麻烦才大了，他才梨花带雨委委屈屈的答应了。
这个男孩虽然一点儿都不酷，但是我到现在都很敬重他的一点就是他也是那种属于舞台的人。不管台下发生了什么，台上他永远都是敬业并且光芒四射的。而且他对自己很真实，他知道自己没法做很酷的人，干脆就安于entertainer的角色。他是MJ最大的fans，经常在晚自习之前老师还没出现的时候在全班面前表演MJ各种各样的经典舞步，不止是他，那时候班上所有青春期的男生，都在疯狂的学MJ，学他的太空步moon walker，学他一伸手将一枚硬币以优美的弧度准确抛入饮料机，学他将白衬衣的下摆随意的扎在黑色的窄腿裤中。我们就在下面看着他们拍手，直到最终我恢复班长的身份，将他们全都驱逐下讲台，开始上晚自习。

那时候青春荷尔蒙的分泌是随着MJ舞步的节奏来的，他的一举手一投足带动世界的脉搏，他很酷。

我那时候已经知道了我小学时看的那个MV 叫做thriller，也买了MJ的Dangerous、Bad，经常和死党同伙一起大张着嘴欣赏。那时候的世界观是混乱的，会清晨早起背柳永秦观，然后在看MJ妖异的舞步的时候轻轻吟咏，便纵有千种风情，更与何人说？
高中，大学。我的心智渐渐成熟，虽然仍在在孜孜不倦的寻找自己的确切位置。对MJ的了解更多，那时候的MJ还没从漂白皮肤背叛种族的泥潭中挣扎出来，又深陷娈童案。面对铺天盖地的背叛种族、猥亵儿童、将一个小婴儿抱在栏杆外摇晃的怪异行径的报道，看到不时的街拍里他怪异变形的脸，初中熟悉的那个天王形象荡然无存，他到底是pop king，还是Jacko？我不知道该相信哪一方。

直到有一天，看到一部电影，人鱼传说，一个小男孩和一条鲸鱼的惊世友情。末尾小男孩救了鲸鱼，鲸鱼一个华美的飞跃跳回大海，背景音乐响起，那是will you be there，我听到MJ在呢喃：in my darkest hours, in my deepest despairs, will you still care? Will you be there?
那时候，我突然意识到，听着这么多年他的歌，我是第一次真正去听他唱歌。
那时候也到了能看懂他的歌词的年龄了，于是我去找他的歌词来看，边看边听，边听边想，越想越惊心动魄。那时候也渐渐到了想念彼得潘的年龄了。某日读到他给自己的庄园命名neverland，听到childhood，看到Dangerous tour中，暖黄的日光洒满厅堂，他弹着钢琴唱you and I must make a pact, we must bring salvation back，猛然一回头，突然看见十岁的自己，斜倚着门凝视现在的自己。他含着眼泪继续唱：I reach out my hand to you，那个自己仍是天籁般的童音：I’ll be there
于是我终于了解，他只是个失却了童年，一辈子都想回去的孩子。他在一首又一首的歌中焦急的询问：have you seen my childhood?你看见了我的童年了么？
纵然我身处万人中央，纵然我散发万丈光芒，纵然他们对我顶礼膜拜，我仍然是个stranger in Moscow；即使你们对我肆意攻击，即使你们说我的Neverland藏污纳垢，即使你们怎样的将我妖魔化，我仍然想做最好的音乐给你们听，我仍然想告诉孤独的人们you are not alone，我仍然愿意和你们一起去heal the world
可是，Michael，应该先heal的，是人心。
I used to dream, I used to glance beyond the star, now you have become the brightest one among them, may you rest in peace in neverland.

 

still, you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had our first dinner on Perhentian in Mama’s place, actually we also had our lunch there, and at lunch we met this girl from shanghai, Jimmy,
Nobody could tell Jimmy from a local, she is so tanned and has this sunny health attitude which made us friends immediately, and also, she has this brightly white teeth shone from time to time when she laughs. The first time she called us in mandarin we just couldn’t believe a local speaks such decent mandarin. We had lunch together, then at dinner we met again and everything just went on so naturally, we ate and laughed together, witnessed the beautiful sunset with the candle light sparkled beside. It was all felt dreamy and surreal when I looked back.
Jimmy has already been “out” for over 3 months now, she and her husband backpacked first in Tibet, stayed there for a month or so, then her husband went back to word, she alone continued the journey. The next stop is Thailand.
“I just loved it there, everything about it! With the cheap price and the tropical feeling.” She exclaimed
She stayed in Thailand for another month, then packed up and moved again, this time she picked up two traveling pals while passing the board into Malaysia, an English and a Sweden. She benefited a lot from these two, because the English is about the most stingy person she knows: everywhere he went, he has to make sure that they stayed in the cheapest place, and he planned everything ahead thoroughly.
Jimmy went on and told us a lot about her traveling antidotes, we told her about all the funny stuff in our work, the accident happened in live broadcasting and something about Olympic also, we laughed so hard the waiters were here and playfully asked: oh so you are good friends now? Within a day!
By the time we were here, Jimmy has stayed in this island for over 10 days, she went snorkeling and diving everyday so she was familiar with every good spot with this area. She already has her Advanced open water certificate and is about get a Master.
“I love diving so much,” she told us “I can’t live a day without being in the water for 2 hours or so……”
I asked her about the swimming, she told me that 1000 meters is a piece of cake to her, I stared with an awe expression, she laughed then told me she could help if I wanted.
“That’s a deal then.” I never missed any chance to be good
“Deal!”

Then we toasted.

 

 

Thinking about that we are about to begin the real adventure and performed our first close act with the sea, the first night on Perhentian was excited, we talked and talked with great expectation till the exhaustion overcame us at last. Although still not sure about what to expect tomorrow, I’m certain that whatever it is, it’s gonna be the memory I cherished for a long time.

 

The reason why locals love small island more than the big island, we learned later, was because small islands has more bars and many fun world travelers to hang out with, long beach is the main places for them to enjoy their night life. But Coral Bay is generally very quiet, there were less restaurants and bars, mostly café shop, a more proper place to live. With less bars, there were consequently less people, that’s why we met no one as we walked along the beach, it actually felt like the beach is private. After quitting Shark Diver we stepped into a café called sunlight, which also has diving course, as we sat down in the floor in an arabi way a western man came out, he was really nice and very talkative, he briefed us with the course. After a long time’s torture with thick accented malay-chinese, we actually felt really glad to hear someone talking with clear English, the fee was also 850rm per person, as Shark, but I felt very relaxed around this man , he was just like this warm-hearted friend I haven’t seen for a long time. We talked a bit more, he introduced himself as a big fan of diving so he got a job here as the chef of this café, by times he would go diving with his colleges, and he loved the life here, everything was casual and natural and except for the pressure the water gives you when you are 20 meters down the sea level, there weren’t anything really pressure against you. You won’t find yourself struggling to open your eyes in the morning trying to persuade yourself a reason for waking up.
I grew fond of this man and this quiet little café we sat in, apparently Maggie too, we talked in Chinese discussing the matter, Maggie said that if the price were the same everywhere, we should book this one, cause he is actually the one we can catch up with what he was talking about, and diving could be dangerous at some points, so if we are gonna risk our life out there, we’d better get ourselves better chances of surviving. We laughed at the idea of life-risking, and to my surprise the chef laughed with us too, I turned and asked
“why are you laughing? You got what we said?”
“Nope, but I can guess! You both are so young and it’s not so hard to guess. ”
I was about to tell him that what he assumed wrong before I think of an important matter
“Do we need to pass any test to get the certificate? Like, swimming?”
“Yes, you will need to swim, maybe 100 meters, not hard at all, not for you, I’m sure. ”
“Why are you so sure? You don’t even know if I can swim or not. ”
He startled a little while then quickly answered: “You can swim, I know you can, because you want to learn diving, there were many people who made a face when they heard the activity like diving, but you want to learn it, so you can swim, no doubt!”
I was both gratitude and proud when I heard his conclusion, never had anybody in my life told me with such assurance that I can swim. And that’s the moment I decided that I really can swim, even though I knew I never made 50 meters in a swimming pool, I decided I can swim 100 or 200 meters in the sea. Miracles do happen, right? I looked out and saw the beautiful sea laying there, radiant her charm, speckles of sunlight dancing merrily upon her layer, she looked so peaceful and quiet and I convinced myself again that I will make it, it did not once occur to me that I could literally get myself killed.

We crossed the jungle to long beach and consulted a few more diving shops and were convinced that the fee could only get higher than 850rm per person, then we decided to get back to sunlight and book the course there. We only had a glimpse of long beach, as it was a little past 2pm and the mid-day island sun was so brightly burned up there, the sweat stormed down and we have to retreat to a cooler place before we went hydrated……long beach was nice indeed, with the clouds lazily spread in the sky and little boats floating harmonious alongside the waves, but there were even less people than coral bay, for a long time, there were only us walking side by side on the beach, no view of people except someone with heavy gears appearing from underneath the sea once in a while, they are the divers. Later that day, we learned that the reason why there were so few people on the beach can be explained merely by a phrase: common sense. Everybody knows that to walk underneath the sun like that in the mid-day time would be a torture, unless you are determined to lose weights to lose water, more specific speaking. You are gonna need at least 4 glasses of extra water to make up the sweat you shed. We also learned that people were either under the water or under an umbrella or under a roof during the daytime, walkingholic like us actually made a scene there.

When we are back at sunlight café to fill up the SDI forms, an equally warm-hearted girl who is also a staff made a phone call to their shop at long beach to get us an instructor, I was a bit upset that the chef was not the one who’s gonna accompany us under the water because he talked clear and easy to get along with. When the girl hung out the phone the chef asked: ”Which one?”
“Sham!”
“Ahhhh,,,,,” he blinked and smiled at us: ”Sham it is! ”
“Shane? ” I was a bit confused with the pronunciation :”Sounds an Aussie to me. ”
“Sham, s-h-a-m. He is half Malaysian and half Australia. Don’t worry, he doesn’t have an accent.”
That’s all I needed to know, aussie accent has been a torture for me for years, then chef went on and gave us more information
“Did you know a show called Fear Factor? No? well he is the demonstrator, he asked people to do crazy things like jumping off a cliff or eating worms……”
Now that was too much information, I thought to myself, or maybe he just demonstrate stuff underneath the water, not all that scary
“Most importantly, he is cute” chef added, we looked at each other and all burst into this knowingly laugh, The chef was actually really good at selling, I wondered what he did before he decided fleeing to here.
“Okay, here, everything set and Sham will expecting you two tomorrow morning, in our shop, 9 o’clock! ” the girl handed us our forms:” Bringing these along!”
“Thanks! ” we stood up, stepped out of the café and waved back at them
“He is cute ” said again the cheerfully chef, we grinned at him, this time I got to admit he did raised my expectation a little bit higher, a beautiful tropical island and a cute diving instructor, what more I can ask for……

 

 

Turns out Sham was not cute.

He is hot.

 

 

2009-6-1
Have you ever dreamt about Neverland? Have you always wished yourself would never grow old? Being one of those happy kids who sings along with mermaids and stand up fighting back fearlessly when Captain Hook was around has always been my ideal life, not to mention that we get this charismatic leader, that adorable child Peter Pan. Although I was raised up entirely as a girl and did all the things girls should have done like playing with a doll and dressing her then nursing her into sleep, such motherhood act has never really appealed to me. If I was in Neverland, I’d want to go fighting with the pirates rather than stayed at home played the “mother” role, that’s probably when I realized that taking adventure is part of my nature, and that, is probably also the reason why I was so thrilled when we first landed our feet on the island.
Perhentien consists by two independent islands, the bigger one called Besar and the small one called Kecil. Up until the moment we stepped into the boat we haven’t decide which one to go, the opinions the locals gave were surprisingly unified, they all said that the view is almost the same but Kecil was a nicer place for diving. Then there we made up our minds, basic on the comment of “more fun diving”, two fearless adventurers who had never wore a wet suit in their lifetime decided to go to the small island, long beach.

 

2009-6-2
Just finished Glass Castle and the last 3 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy Season 5, feelings piled up I don’t know how to get a way to let them out. Glass Castle is just like the life style I am after, just in a much extreme way, I was deeply moved and I guess the real definition of “free spirit” left me wondering a lot more about the balance between freedom and responsibility. Once you started with it, it made me feel so surreal and unrealistic. The funny thing is, I finished it during the weekly department meeting as my chief was twittering about finding new meaning and impulsive about life in this post-Olympic period. I almost felt like laughing at that moment, doesn’t it make me the model employee in this case? I have been wandering around trying as hell to figure things like this out long a time ago.
While Glass Castle is detaching me, Grey pulled me back and stuck me to the ground in a hard way. As a part-time script writer (god it still ashamed me saying so) I always had this awe to a lot American tv writers, they must be super-sensitive to make so much out of the suppose-to-be suffocating daily life then put every pieces together to arose the hidden emotion you don’t even realize yourself. It brought back one of my unsolved problem long ago: you need to sank yourself into life to fish such pieces out, you need to embrace life fearlessly, which is exactly what I lacked the most, I’ve always put myself on this edge, trying carefully to step a little bit out then quickly shrink back. I can never embrace life, not to mention fearlessly, now that I even pushed myself further by considering the possibility being away for long.
And It just appeared to me, maybe to stay away, to threw myself into total alien world is my way try to embrace life? Maybe, maybe

We were both excited and confused when we step out of the boat to this big blue world. Excited that we finally made it here and the color was so beautiful it deepened out expectation, confused about where exactly we were standing. We told the boatman we wanna go to long beach so we can get us a place to stay these few days but soon we were told that the place we were dropped off was not Long beach, and there was no way we can made it to the long beach with such heavy luggage dragging behind. As we were standing there exciting and confusing, suddenly we were greeted by a familiar language: mandarin. There was no surprise, we have met a lot of Chinese-speaking Malaysian who are the second or third generation descendants, but to hear something like this in this small island was still encouraging. The man who greeted us pointed to my shirt and smiling: China huh?
I was wearing the red shirt I got from Beijing Olympic which has two characters says china. The man who greeted us was actually the first who recognized these two characters because most of them speak the language but can’t read.

2009-6-5
We were then introduced to this hotel called Sha-ri-la, which we soon found out was the fanciest place in this whole island, It was newly-opened so we can’t find any information online. The hotel was built inside the jungle, and every room was this independent wooden colt which looked very dreamy. Coral Bay is facing the west so this place actually has a special built bower to see the sunset, With air conditioner, bathroom and 24 hours’ hot water and even a TV set, the room can absolutely rated 5 stars in this island which most hostels only supply 8 hours’ electricity, and the price scared us at first too, 240rm per night was the cheapest, we took a polite look at the room under the owner’s passionate invitation, then decided we should go around finding a more proper place according strictly to our budget, we left our luggage there, as we were convinced by the very gentleman-looking owner that it is absolutely ok, that after we found our ideal place we can turned back to get the luggage, he is so nice that neither of us has any doubts leaving our entirely things behind. We then started to look around, there were cheaper rooms, much cheaper except that it looked like some refugee camp. We tried a few more, and decided to get some rest before the mid day island sun set our hair on fire. There was a diving shop called Shark diver where a few people were inside enjoying their cold drinks, we stepped in and were greeted by them firstly in Japanese then Korean, which landed all of us in confusing looks. We sat down and started to ask something about the open water diving course, during the conversation they asked about where we were from, I pulled aside my hair to show them the words china on my back, they also discovered the Beijing Olympic emblem on my shirt and the conversation quickly transferred into a little discussion about the opening ceremony. They told us they were so excited and they loved the opening ceremony, because they were all Chinese! We were happy to find more country fellows here and the connection did bring us closer. They asked about where we stayed, we told them about our problem, then there went the first surprise, a dark-skinned girl with brightly white tooth told us she could get us a 95rm per night discount, if we were ok about that price. Maggie and I looked at each other exchanging the unbelievable looks. The boss did gave us a discount, but even with that he said it can be less than 150rm per night, and then there went this girl who we had never met nor spoke to before offered voluntarily to give us such an amazing price for that amazing place(compare with the other houses on the island), we accepted it and stood up to thank them, a old man who kind of already forget all his Chinese smiled back to us warmly, “That’s my daughter” he pointed to the nice girl: “I hoped we helped!”
Just like this, we got the fanciest place on that island with only 95rm per night. The hotel stuff were all so nice, they gave us welcome drinks every time we stopped by the front desk, they went around finding Maggie painkillers for her ear affection, they even found us two giant plastic bags as the make up for umbrella one night when the rain was polling outside, which gave us such big laughs we can never forget
We planned to book the courses in Shark Diver as a repay for their kindness, and we did hope that the fee for the course could go down a bit more if we discussed further, but when we get back none of the people we spoke with were there and we actually met their instructor, he seemed a nice guy, but he spoke with such thick accent with both his English and Chinese, we need to try very hard to make out what he was saying, and the fee was non-negotiable, so we decided to go around more to do a little research and see what we can find out, then there we did our first exploration of the island.

 

 

Maggie told me yesterday about her having perhentian dream again, I have always considering her being luckier than me coz I have never had any island dream since we came back. I do miss it terribly, and I used to have lots of weird dreams, but I have never dream about that place even once, which is so sad it reminds me of this ancient Chinese poem: you won’t even show on my dream since we parted (悠悠生死别经年，魂魄不曾入梦来). What a terrible translator I am……

I woke up this morning all confused, I thought I had dreamt something but I can’t really remember it. Then when I made myself the usual morning coffee it suddenly strikes me what it was: I was there again, finally, I was there to get my AOW license, and Sham the instructor told me I needed at least 7 days to accomplish. “7 days?” I repeated and appeared astonished but secretly over the moon. I got to stay here for at least 7 days, that’s the requirement, I can have the sky the beach the sea the sunset the underwater aquatic world to myself for at least 7 days! I will make good use to it, I won’t be late that often so Sham won’t get all upset which made me upset too; I will learn, no, I will master swimming so that I can make the ocean home, snug into its hug as long as I wanted. It sounds so surreally wonderful that I know it can’t be true even in a dream, and that’s the moment I wake up, my cell phone buzzed beside me, a work message.

I do miss it, so terribly that me myself not sure what it is that I missed specific. I’m doing perfectly well since I came back, adjusted into daily work just as always. It’s just there are always such moments my mind escaped else where, and my stomach ached so badly I can hardly breath. Was is it? Was it normal? Most people I know don’t have such symptoms, but I was always like this each time I got back from a free trip, I’m going through this tough process of redefining myself but currently not going anywhere, that’s why finding out Jane’s situation strike me so hard, I guess

 

 

Our journey began at a way neither of us were really quite prepared and had an clear idea what to expect. Sure, there’s gonna be sunshine and sands, fresh juice and bikini show, and we were going to get a diving course for an OW certification, but honestly, I don’t know if I’m really an “ocean person”, I was never good at water stuff, mostly because of the fact that I can’t swim, which is truly embarrassing considering that I grown up besides the third longest river of the world. Besides that, the fact that we didn’t really do any thorough research on which way we are going and what exactly are the “must dos” and “must don’ts” made the whole trip filled with unknown circumstances, it could be surprises, good or the other way around. However since we are both such spontaneous person, it doesn’t really matter if the expectation is high or low, as long as we are hitting on the road that’s enough, besides, doesn’t people always saying that “good things come along when you least expected it”?

 

It is kind of coincidental yet fatal that we never arrived KL at a normal time, the plane stopped at KLCC at 2am in the morning, when most offices like money exchange has already closed, it is said that KL airport is far away from the downtown city, and 2am in the morning left us little choice of which transportation we may choose, we ended up taking the aerobus coz the taxi fee is insanely high. When told that the bus we are going to take is probably the last one tonight, we burst into a crazy running around to find the bus station, with heavy luggage dragging behind, we were ushered into the first bus we came across, everything seems to go smoothly until Maggie suddenly asked me after she finally got her breath even “have they loaded our luggage?” I got caught totally off-guard coz honestly I can’t remember either, all I could recall was the crazy running and hurrying into the bus, did they ever put our luggage on? I’m not sure myself. The bus has already left the station a few minutes ago and if we were really going to lose our luggage at our first act at KL there seemed nothing we can actually do, so I comforted her saying: Nah, I think they did. Then a while later I added: Don’t worry, we have our passports and money with us, we are going to be fine. Sounds more like a self-assurance I know, that’s the best I could do. ”Here goes the trip” I thought to myself.

 

An hour later we arrived at the first guesthouse of our trip. Anjung has a lovely check lobby and a cute little garden, but the room was very small and dim-looking. Our luggage were safe with us nevertheless, and when we unpacked Maggie found this big cockroach lying comfortably beside our mattress, I was too tired to freak out or something so I decided to ignore it, and to my great gratitude Maggie did it too, she doesn’t seem to care about the room was too small or the mattress has a unclean look, that’s the compromise you gonna have to make when out on a unplanned trip, and I believed that’s the attitude guarantees you to enjoy the most of the raw beauty, I’m glad that I found a good partner.

 

The first night at KL was sweaty and a bit suffocated and really tiring, but it also prepared us for all the up-coming difficulties we might encounter in the near future. We spent the next day exploring KL city with our feet, walking around taking subways everywhere, we made a stop at the city’s trademark building twin tower, did a little shopping there. To me, a modern city was not the best way to start a journey, city bored me and at some points, intimidating me. But who knows, every good story needs to get a little bit downside before the climax, I’d rather believe that’s what KL is for.

 

That night we took another flight of lovely-priced Air Asia from KL to Kota Barou, a small town where we would stay for one night then took a boat to our destination. Perhentian Island. KL wasn’t impressed me that much so I did’t feel anything at all when I left, but the difference between a modern big city like KL and a more domestic small town like Kota Barou showed out the minute we stepped out of the plane, despite the obvious more moisture air, Kota Barou is much more religious than KL, every women we saw was either wearing long sleeves or wrapped themselves in a scarf, which made me a bit uncomfortable with my shorts. We began to enjoy ourselves a bit more on the way to KB actually, and the key to that was to relax and do whatever we wanted to do, like ordered food during a 40 min’s flight: Maggie and I decided to try on Malay style fast food so we ordered two bottles of noodle, and that’s the first time we came across Maggi Noodle. It got really funny on our later trip coz Maggi is a really famous local noodle brand so everytime Maggie told people about her name she got this funny look which we don’t’ understand at first, but later on when she found out this she started to introduce herself as “Maggie Noodle”, then everybody ended up with a big laugh together. Fairly speaking Maggi Noodle tasted nice, with a bit curry flavor that I actually quite like.

 

We got a lot of admiration later on for our “spontaneous” way of traveling, for we didn’t plan anything before-hand, with KB it was the most typical. We didn’t have a map of KB and we didn’t book any hostel, and we had absolutely no idea about anything regarding this town, except for that we need to stay here for one night then leave for Perhentian the next morning. “Things would happen naturally” was the attitude. And that paid off after we dragged out luggage into a cab and told the thick-accented driver to take us to any hostel he believed is nice, he agreed then turn on the radio and hit the road, and our mouth literally dropped open when we heard the song he played, that was an old famous melody from the legendary Miss Deng Lijun, it just felt so strange, to hear a familiar Chinese song while we were in a total alien small town we don’t even know which part of Malay it belongs
“Do you speak Chinese?” I leaned over and asked
“Nope”
“Do you know the singer of this song?”
“Nope”
“What do you liked about this song then?”
“It’s nice”
Simple as that, and I soon realized that it would be totally unnecessary to explain to him about what this song is about, as he already made himself crystal-clear that music speaks for itself.

 

We stayed at the hotel Mister Driver showed us, it was a lovely place sat right next to a river. As when we arrived it was all dark outside, so we don’t know whether it is a river or the sea we are facing, but sitting there with a cup of fresh juice, the dark water quietly running through, I made myself believe that this is the sea we are going to explore. Somewhere inside the water lays that beautiful Island, our highest expectation, out destination — Perhentian.

 

It has been too long a time I kept deny on doing this, for I don’t know what I’ll come out, although time and time again, I sat there, telling people the stories of a swimming monkey, of the snake who watched us dinning and laughing, of every bit of my traveling log, still, for some reasons I don’t want to really begin on this log, for I’m so deeply afraid I’m gonna come out with something that’s not really me writing, you gonna be true to yourself, you gonna be true to what you have experienced, that’s what I have been told by some mysterious inner voice, however, when it comes to the point you yourself not sure about who you are, how can that be possible?

I lost myself again in the mountains of oceans of people, in the roaring of motors outside. When I open my eyes this morning and forced myself to adjust the fact that I did make it home and back to where I’m stuck with, the desperation tears me apart. Is there anything else more cruel than to miss the lost beauty?

My heart still quickened every time I thought about that magnificent sunset and those two giant rainbows we witnessed the night we sailing on the boat back to coral bay, that is the first time I literally got the meaning of “heart-wreckingly beautiful”. At that very moment I just wanna sat on my knees to worship, sank myself into the black water to get maybe a little bit nearer to the ultimate miracle. I seriously believe that besides love, beauty is also a temple, a higher law. Beauty could be the faith, in a much higher perspective.

It was all so desperately far away now, when I looked through the pictures we took there I felt like peering from a hidden corner to someone else’s memory. Maggie told me that ever since we came back, she kept dreaming about that island over and over again, about the azure sky and blindingly bright sunshine, about that snow-white sand softly kissing our feet, about the rainbow the sunset the jungle, and of course about the sea too……I don’t know what word I can put to describe the sea, the water with all kinds of layers of blue, deep and shallow, far and near, gentle yet fierce, I can still recalled vividly about the last day of our island journey when I finished my snorkeling test, they called me out of the water, congrats me on my dramatically getting my diving license, right at the moment I stepped out, I kneed down to kiss the water, though I knew perfectly well how it is tasted like. I just want to thank her to take me in, to make me felt like, even just a little bit, the other people who has been proudly called this place their paradise. How I was envied back then, and still am, to see them rolling themselves in the water in such a free and elegant way which made me hate myself for being so far away from the ocean's genrous hug

 

我坐在电脑前痛哭失声。
已经记不得有多久没有这样流过眼泪了，我本身就不是一个爱哭的人，再加上自己不停的提醒自己标榜自己心灵要强大，就更不爱哭。
昨天终于收到封半年或许是一年来意义最重大的邮件，facebook的，上面写，Jane approve了你的朋友申请。我迫不及待的点进去，因为Jane已经从msn上失踪半年多了。点进去之后，留了一个有些playful的言，我才发现，其他人的留言，都是：你怎么样了？你好些了没？你是一个战士……有些人的字里行间提到了一个accident，我还找到了一个专门为Jane做的group。上面有些照片，她的27岁生日，她穿着灰色的衣服，头都包在头巾里，眼光安详沉静，盯着面前的蜡烛，完全认不出来是她。我渐渐的有些意识，但是我还是不能完全理解，到底发生了什么事，她失踪了半年多，有这么严重么？

我一直以为，她是去了某个丛林探险，或者去了欧洲一个被世人遗忘的小城，等她回来，重新出现在msn上，她会比以前更美，或许也被晒黑了。然后给我看她的作品，说：jing，美是我的信仰，beauty is my fatih......
然后我发现了她周围的朋友们留的言，从去年11月8号开始，一点点的报告。我才知道，她从她爸爸的车上下来，她要去星巴克见一个朋友，有辆摩托车撞过来，她的头磕在了人行道上，她从此就失去了知觉………..
读着那些每天的报告，我还是不相信这事情真的发生在她身上。所有的report，就像是在读一本小说，或者看一部电影。一本不太高明的小说，一部我们都不会很喜欢的电影。她失去知觉了，她的脑部损伤严重，半年了，她早就醒了，可是她失去记忆了；她或许根本就不再记得我是谁。不对的，这是部不太高明的电影，我和她，我们都不会设置这样的情节，我们喜欢的，是像《美丽心灵的永恒阳光》那样，奇妙的故事，奇妙的反应，也许开篇有一个车祸，但是永远都是奇妙的结局。
现在我知道，真的要相信这种奇妙的结局，需要多么大的信念。
我都不知道我自己会哭成这样。半年了，半年后我才知道这个消息。她的朋友都说她恢复的很好，走路很快，比起说泰语更喜欢说英语。是的，应该是这样的，她曾经告诉过我，她用英语思维比泰语有感觉得多，每当她想写什么东西的时候，她都会习惯性的用英语，我很清楚的记得她告诉过我这个，就像我很清楚的记得她曾经把我叫做她的soul mate friend，曾经开玩笑的说：maybe we should be each other’s soul mate
她是我所见过的最talented，最artistic的人，她弹钢琴、画画，画油画、铅笔画、水粉画，她写小说、写诗、写剧本，她设计平面广告、设计家具，她被ELLE誉为是one to watch的年轻设计师，她和朋友一起办杂志，自己设计封面自己写稿，她一直说电影是她的追求，她没有考托福没有考GRE就写了封充满灵气的personal statement去Tisch申请电影专业，说自己想成为李安那样的人。她在上海外滩边的青年旅馆等着我，看着我微笑，说她爸爸很生气，因为她拒绝跟他一起回家而要留下来等一个从来没有见过的女孩。我们在上海一起住了三天，两人的感冒互相传染，嘶哑着嗓子没日没夜的聊，就跟我们在msn上一样。她给我带了很多电影、给我灌了很多mp3，Bruno的全集。我们在上海，是唯一一次见面，后来她约过我一起去加拿大看Bruno的德古拉；我约过她一起去柬埔寨看吴哥窟，都没有成行，然后突然的，她就消失了。
我变成现在这样的我，她是一部分原因。从我最开始操着生涩的英语在论坛上开始发帖子以来，她从来没有嫌弃过我那时候糟糕的表达。她跟我讨论很多很多东西，讨论的最多的是人生、电影、音乐剧、音乐、书、网球、费雷罗和萨芬，半年之前，我所有的msn记录里面，跟她的都是最多的。我的音乐文件夹里，永远都有一个叫做“Jane”的文件夹，里面装着所有她喜欢的并且她觉得我也会喜欢的歌。我听说她在昏迷的时候，都还是喜欢房间里面不停的放歌，她妈妈把声音调小了，她都还不愿意，我就想起来上海那个凌乱的小房间里，我们快睡着的时候，她把苹果功放的声音调小了点儿，然后我们就在她喜欢的音乐声里睡着。我看到她的朋友们写的，我就仍然不相信，她真的昏迷了么？她真的什么都不记得了么？
她把她的作品发给我看，我有了喜欢的歌一定第一时间找她分享，我喜欢的她都喜欢，如果说起初她像我的英语导师，到后来我熟练了英语之后，她更像是另一半我。我成长中最重要的5年，我的世界观是跟她一起成熟的。可是成熟了后，我开始真正寻找自我的时候，我才发觉，我的另一半自我失却了。
有些关于她的生活习惯，我现在才知道，她喜欢香奈儿的香水和墨镜，她喜欢星巴克，我想起我以前告诉过她的：她就像是一个加强版的我。
然后我读到她昏迷的那段时间，手术后，谁也不知道她能不能再醒过来。我试着想我那段时间在干什么，Jane在生命线上挣扎的时候，我在干什么？
凌晨四点上床试着想睡觉，却满脑子都是她曾经跟我说过的话，一句句的蹦出来。我这么喜欢熬夜，也有她的原因。我想起那次，半夜睡不着，三点多的时候，msn就只有她一个人，然后我们从三点半高高兴兴的聊到五点，互道早安之后再上床，立刻就睡着了。
现在我看着那些报告：11月9号，她仍在昏迷状态，医生说不知道情况会怎样，至少要等一星期；
11月11号，她的眼睛能睁开一些了，但是医生盖上了布
11月13号，他们必须在她的脖子上穿刺来喂她进食
11月16号，我们还在等她清醒过来
……
身体的恢复是神速的，但是她还不能认字，还不会写字；她说话还在呓语的状态；她找他们要了笔记本电脑，却不知道怎么用；她盯着那些去看她的人们，努力的想要想起他们的名字
…….
她现在的照片上，眼光是初生般安详纯净，以前很多的事情她都不记得了，我不知道于她是幸是不幸。她告诉过我的，一切对于生命的痛苦和幸福才是让她真实存在的要素，虽然幸福永远都是fleeing moment，她不记得了，可能不记得有我了，更加不记得她曾经说过的自己所有隐秘的激动和失落。
她的生命以这种方式重新开始了，把曾经所有的人和事情都遗落在后面。我知道她永远不能够再像以前那样跟我交流了，这让我感觉自己像一个活在过去的幽灵。

 

一下子就到这个时候。又回到家里，洗干净了所有的衣服，稍稍的把地拖了一下。坐在这里看美国偶像，看看Adam有没有又在秀他的嗓子。但是37集很快就看不了了，于是我就又来这里。就跟泸沽湖一样，这是我的任务，我必须要完成的。

回头看旅途中星星点点的记录。第一篇在吉隆坡的Anjung，第二篇在moonlight我最经常的位置上，外面暮色苍茫，海风渐凉，第三篇是坐在吉隆坡青年旅社宿舍的床上。每篇都没有写完。一句话甚至都没有完。留着一个没有结尾的白。

我们都同意离开海岛后回到城市是残酷的。从那么一个天堂一下子跌倒人堆里，这么轻易这么容易的就又把自己丢了，实在有些让人无所适从。离开海岛后失魂落魄——失魂落魄，再没有比这个词更好形容我的状态的词了。坐上大巴离开kuala besut，在大巴上听mp3，我已经坏掉的shuffle里面出来的第一首音乐居然是梁祝。夜深的时候大家都睡着了，我毫无睡意，盯着外面的夜色，一遍一遍的听梁祝的小提琴流泻，心中不知道是什么感觉。马来西亚的高速路很窄，两旁都是高大的树木，隔着厚厚的玻璃我都能嗅到热带的气息。那时候我就在想，我是如此的、如此的喜欢在路上的感觉。在路上，虽然12天我换了7个住的地方，虽然我拖着一个大箱子，永远都是行色匆匆，但是在路上的时候，反而是我觉得最平静的时候。我的眼睛、我的嗅觉、我的触觉、我的感官，我的一切一切，对于路上的一切呈现出欢迎，那是种开放的姿态。而最终，我的情感，留在了一个一个地方，到头来我自己都不知道我自己究竟是在为了什么而失落，为了不得不离开什么而失落。

躺在大巴的躺椅上，听着梁祝，看着外头的夜色，我一边尽力的用薄薄的窗帘裹住自己赤裸的双腿，一边想着自己在路上的状态，内心是平静的失落，或者夹杂着失落的平静。

那天凌晨5点到吉隆坡。我们半梦半醒的拉着箱子走在吉隆坡空空如也的大街上，天上飘着小雨，吉隆坡不像我们第一次来的时候那么的炎热了。

凌晨5点半，我们坐在地铁站的外面，等待着地铁开门。一种深切的彷徨蔓延在空气中，我几乎都要窒息。这似乎就是我的一贯状态：半梦半醒、无望的等着什么东西、未来似乎很确定：那地铁总会开门；未来似乎又很不确定，那地铁开门了，会把我带到哪里？我不能不想起停泊岛上的日子，其实就是12个小时以前的事情，现在回望，已经烟雨迷蒙了。其实只有六个小时的车程、半个小时的船程，我却感到天人永隔般的绝望，我不知道下一次我见到它，会是怎样的情景，虽然以我的悲观主义，我知道无论如何都回不去了。所有的时光，当你离开她的时候，就天人永隔了。不管是物是人非，还是人是物非，还是物非人非，即使什么都一样，所有的人都还在那儿，你离开的那一瞬间，你记忆中的灿烂阳光洁白沙滩还有那仙境般瑰丽的日落妖媚的彩虹，就永远不会再像以前一样了。

物是人非事事休，欲语泪先流。何必一定要物是人非才泪流呢，失掉的每一个瞬间，都是那样，不语泪先流。

5月14号清晨的7点，当我们终于到达吉隆坡中国城青年旅社的宿舍时，我轻轻的爬上上铺，拉过毯子盖住自己。身体终于有了片刻的宁静，心却被仍旧鲜活的记忆淹没了。我想起那天傍晚，黑黑的水面在眼前铺展开来，和一群刚刚认识的马来男孩挤在小船上，前方是日落，瑰丽难言，远在天边又仿佛近在咫尺，火红的跳跃在每个人的眼角眉梢；右手边是两条巨大的彩虹，横穿天际，那种美摄人心魄，混让人忘了身在何方。我想起摇曳的烛光中，海浪就在脚下，和刚刚认识的朋友用各种语言忘情大笑。我想起20米深的水下，海龟游在我旁边，尼莫躲在珊瑚丛中若隐若现，晶莹的小鱼跳到我的手掌上，爬上我的手臂。我想起透过浮潜的面罩，一群一群美丽的鱼跟我大眼瞪小眼，试探的用他们的嘴碰触我的手，马来男孩祖说他们把我的身体当做食物了，所以才会不管我到哪儿都跟着我，可是我分明从他们的眼睛里看到温柔的神色。我想起一个又一个的马来男孩拉着我的手托着我的腰教我游泳，我想起我那个hotter than the mid-day island sun的潜水教练，我想起我留在沙滩上的一串串脚印，想起咸湿的海风……就发现自己的嘴里又是咸湿的苦涩，原来、原来，泪的味道和海的味道是一样的。

那是不是说，每次我想念海的时候，流流泪就可以了呢？

 

 

No doubtabely I'm being crazy again, while you can also interprating it as "being true to who I am", cause I'm doing this again, with tons of tons work in hand, after half a months' vampire theme, I catched up wtih AI season 8 in one week: that's 32 episodes in total!

 

I was never a big fan of such kind of show, the truth is as much as I loved The Apprentice and thought it was brilliant, I only have patience for one season, as for AI, the only thing I watched was those hilarious freak show. But this time, I actually have a noble reson to start the watching the show:I wanna see how they manage to put on such cute introduction figure films. At some points, I beleived there are a great deal I could have learned from AI, my assignments were also about introducing some total strange face to the audience: ppl whom they never saw before but was give a big stage to show off. Up till now, the minute I got appointed to the assignment, my priority was to focus on those competants, on their personality or behind scene stories(which does not apply to my chief at first but I can see him begin to enjoy this idea) I certainly is not(and least intened to) compare the two things, but I interested a big deal on how they narrate the story by pictures and at which point did they introduce the background music and when exactly the music should go dim and the field sound in...at also, how Ryne asked his questions. Just as pure learner at first but I ended up with finding the biggest surprise...I am now absolute a fan of Adam Lambert.

 

I have a very general taste of music, I take in all kinds of different types of songs. And I soon find myself stuck in between pop and classic and opera, that's when I find the most perfect combination, and this singer become my favourite of all times.....I can seek pop in his songs and when I need strength and passoin he is there with his crazy high notes and powerful emotion enough to pierce right to your heart. Bruno is still my favourite of all times, and I seriously believed that the vocalists choosen by AI were just some great pop singers, because this show has its own standard and some certain expectations to meet, then here is Adam who took me by beautiful surprise and soon become the very reason I stayed up until 3am to follow the show

 

You can hardly described the eletricity he ray out on stage, we don't have to go as far as his vioce, as "The Lord" Simon has put, that's immaculate, and nor did we need to discuss his own interpretation of classic songs, Black and White and Mad World literally took my breath away. During the Michael Jackson week, I know I loved MJ enough to feel uncomfortable with those wierd impersonation, but Adam's version of Black and White was so great that it feels like he can even win over MJ himself. My expectation of him grows higher and higher each time and not just that he fulfilled it each time, but he shattered it, as Paula has put: a great artist doesn't just fulfill expectation, he shattered it!

 

阿当烂布头，本来他完全不是我的那杯茶：肩膀太宽，上下比例有点儿不协调，笑起来有双下巴，过于浓重的眼线，过于招摇的发型...我倒并不介意涂着黑色指甲油的十指——我们都知道那是哥特的一个重要标志。但是他在台上的控制力、诡异又美丽的高音，让他显得那么飘忽不定，你永远不知道下一秒他会怎样演绎这首曲子，永远不知道他会在哪里突然爆发，无论是high到极点的摇滚、还是直达灵魂的solo，还有他对于乡村歌曲极富个性的演绎，都让人折服。比赛到这个程度，赢不赢对于他已经无所谓了。我对于他赢不赢也完全无所谓，最后的五强到决赛还有好几期，我只想多看看他的现场演出。某种程度上来说，阿当让我想起Marilyn Manson,我从来是不大能忍受曼森的，但是我完全被台上的阿当征服。

 

 

Dah, I know it might be a little bit too early of that....considering that we got a big event coming up in 15 days and in order to make this vacation work, I have to finish at least 4 assignments in 10 days, but what da hell, I'm already in the vacation mode and guess this would be the very reason to keep myself fresh and sane through out another round of intense working agenda.

 

There are a lot of thinking going on lately, for I have read a lot...too much thinking and too little writing, I'm getting really tired after 3 months' meaningless writing experience, and by meaningless, I mean both financially and spiritually. The mess is far behind me and I plan to not looking back, thats certainly good for my mental health. About 2 days ago, I looked into the mirror and terrified to see my own reflection, then I realize how I hated myself being like this....getting older by every second and not exactly going anywhere, totally pointless.....so thats why I decided to go somewhere, somewhere with azure sky and diamend blue sea and the most importantly, somewhere provides a total alien world which I might let myself sank deep in and never have to look up......sounds farmiliar no? Big Blue, Jacque said to his women:everytime when I was down in there, I'm struggling to find a reason to get back.......

 

I finished Twilight saga in 2 weeks, all four of them, as well as the movie......dont have much to talk about the book or the movie, the strange thing is that it brought back my passion for vampire(again even the word vampire sounds sexy...) thats why I finished True Blood season 1 in just a few days and started Bram Stoker's Dracula for the third time, hope I can finish it this time eventually......because for the last 2 times Count Dracula turns out to be too much a learned guy for me, I can hardly understand all those ancient european history he is so passionate about...... 囧

 

anyway, Perhentian, here I come! Yay!

 

I was, and still am, a generally very tender person, soft even. The naturally borned laziness is for most of time my biggest personal character, thus I left my bed untouched every morning despise my mom's scrolding, thus I often ate only one meal a day because I couldnt bring myself up to go downstairs, thus I'm too lazy to change the current style though my inside is buring like hell, thus "to step back" is always my prior choice when I'm uncontiously got into some kind of human-relation mess. I trusted ppl, not because I do really believe in their seems-to-be upright and kindness, but always because I'm too lazy to imagine what it would be like when things go ugly and what should I do then. That, is why I'd rather swollow some bitterness and gave up my benefits just to ease the situation so I could again lay myself in peace, and that, I admit, is what makes me looked like an idiot to some eyes and believed that they can do absolute everything, including after robbed me and slapped me on my face and still got the nerve to tell me that: we are still friends right? we'll find another chance to do this again!

 

I kinda deserve that treatment I guess, otherwise I wont learn my lesson. Mind the trap, folks, when you think you have trapped me, for you never know how dangerous it could be when a sheep transfer to a wolf with a sheep's outfit.

 

Damn